This is the script for the Grand Theft Auto: Vice City mission Publicity Tour.


(V-Rock Recording Studio, Tommy Vercetti, Kent Paul, Jezz Torrent, Love Fist)

Jezz Torrent: Tommy! Tommy! Tommy, man, that psycho's back!

Tommy Vercetti: What's going on?

Kent Paul: That psycho won't leave Love Fist alone!

Jezz Torrent: You didnae kill him man. And now he's back.

Kent Paul: Yeah, yeah, yeah, and the thing is...

Jezz Torrent: The thing is, we need someone to drive the limo we can trust, cause that nutter keeps making threats!

Dick: I'm shitin' masel' man. I need ma ma!

Jezz Torrent: We're all bricking ourselves, man.

Tommy Vercetti: Okay guys, calm down. I'll handle this. Normally I wouldn't busy myself with driving around a bunch of drunken Scottish bisexuals, but, in your case I'll make an exception.

(Love Fist Limo, Tommy Vercetti and Love Fist)

Willy: At last man, time for a well earned drink.

Percy: The venue's just a hundred yards down the road.

Willy: Better make it a large one then.

Dick: Hey Tommy, change the tunes, man.

Percy: I get confused if my head ain't banging. Ah look, what's this? Hey Tommy, stick this tape on.

The Psycho: Love Fist. Your time polluting the airwaves is over. I gave you the chance to be friends. Now, I'm giving you the chance to die. Try to slow down and your limosuine will explode, along with your BIG, HAIRY ARSES!

(Tommy begins to drive the limo, while Love Fist search for the bomb)

Jezz Torrent: Tommy pal, you gotta save the band!

Tommy Vercetti: I'm getting bored of this.

Jezz Torrent: Just keep the pedal to the metal!!

Percy: We gotta find the bomb!

Dick: Can't we just drive around all day?

Willy: Aye, we've got plenty to drink..

Percy: Won't the bomb not be in the engine? We'll have to stop to get it.

Willy: We're all going to die! I'm gonna get drunk.

Dick: Hey, there's a queue here pal!

Percy: The answer ain't in the drinks cabnit!

Willy: Get out of my way!

Dick: Hey, the vodka bottle's got wires coming out of it!

Percy: That's not vodka, that's BOOMSHINE!

Love Fist: WAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!! And it's wired to blow!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!

Percy: They always said the drink would kill me.

Jezz Torrent: I've seen this on the telly. You gotta pull out one of the wires.

Dick: Which wire?

Jezz Torrent: I don't know, man. I don't have a clue.

Percy: Willy, say something.

Willy: I'm gonna play bass in hell.

Jezz Torrent: Tommy man, keep driving fast, pal.

Dick: Somebody do something.

Percy: Aye, clever! 'Somebody do something', what kind of crap is that, I'vs seen braver girls.

Jezz Torrent: Okay tough guy, you do something.

Percy: Look, man, I play a musical instrument I don't have a clue about bomb disposal.

Dick: Willy could just suck the boomshine out with a straw.

Willy: Aye, I've heard that your good at that kind of thing.

Percy: Hey, I was off my tits that night, as well you know!

Dick: Just pass Willy a straw!

Willy: A straw?!?! This is the Love Fist Tour Bus!

Percy: Where am I gonna get a straw from, know wot I mean?

Jezz Torrent: Which wire, Tommy?

Tommy Vercetti: The green one.

Jezz Torrent: There isn't a green one. Or is this one green?

Dick: Any of these wires look green to you?

Percy: Oh no! Death's on the cards! Everything looks green!

Jezz Torrent: I should have dumped you lot when I had the chance man.

Willy: Glory seeker.

Percy: Capitalist.

Jezz Torrent: I've been carrying you for years.

Dick: Shut up. You're a muppit.

Willy: A big screaming girl.

Dick: Yeah. Shut up and pull a wire.

Jezz Torrent: Which wire?

Dick: This one..

Percy: NO!

Jezz Torrent: Man, we're okay. We ain't been blown up, pal.

(The bomb gets defused)

Dick: Tommy, man, nice one. Rock and roll, man.

Jezz Torrent: Ain't we got a gig to go to?

Willy: A racket to make? Groupies to abuse?


Willy: Have you finished with that bottle?

(Tommy drives the band to the concert. Percy and Dick stay to talk with Tommy)

Percy: Jezz is running the tape, so we thought we'd show you our Temple of Rock - Get a feel for that Love Fist fury!

Dick: Listen to yourself, man. It's papier-mache and gaffa tape.

Percy: Hey, to the kids, it's a temple and we are the priests!

Dick: Aye, well, if the kids like their priests half cut and tone deaf, who am I to argue?

Percy: Oh geez, the tape's getting chewed again. At this rate, we'll never get to play live.

Dick: Oohh shite! My bowels...

Percy: We gotta get on with it - thanks again Tommy. Know what I'm saying, nice one, bye!

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